It's Time For Some FORE! PLAY!
These alternatives to the game of golf is what pirate golf is all about! Let's give a big pirate yo ho to the creative minds at Halfbakery.com, the halfway house for at risk ideas, for these gems!
Lets get in some practice on the range!
Trained operatives would put out distance markers and clear mines in the area close to the tees. Golf practice would ensue, interrupted by the occasional loud bang. When the bangs become too infrequent, the same trained operatives would remove any remaining landmines and the golf balls would be retrieved.
(More Fun Than Aiming For A Silly Flag)
Going to a golfing driving range to hit a few golf balls is great stress relief. It's especially fun to try to hit the heavy-duty vehicle that drives around on the range picking up all the golf balls. So why not expand on this?
I propose a driving range where there are many breakable objects placed throughout the range. Ceramic vases and glass windows. Old junker cars and TV sets. Get that extra satisfaction that only the crash and crunch of destruction can bring as you whack a golf ball through the windshield of a VW minibus.Of course, with all these objects strewn about, it would be hard for a machine to drive through and pick up the loose golf balls. So instead, a guy dressed in a suit of armor should patrol the range picking up the golf balls. Of course, you can aim for him also...
Now, lets get out there on the course and play!
(Shoots That Golf Tee Into The Turf)
Load up the Golf Tee Shooter with a tee. Aim it at the ground. Pull trigger.
Tee goes into turf and you didn't even have to bend over.
(Golf Equipment That Starts Trembling If You Wait Too Long)
This variation has two simple features that speed up the game by a significant factor. The first of these is called: "The Time Limiting, Small Trembling Hand, Golf Tee."
This is a tee in the form of a tiny arm, terminating in a small, cupped hand into which is placed the golf ball. As soon as the tee is sunk into the ground and the ball placed on it, the player only has a few seconds of time in which to strike the ball. This is because the tee has a little engine inside, along with a timer, which causes the hand to twitch and shake, and drop the ball, if you take too long. The player then loses that shot and has to tee off from a ground position, placing them at a considerable disadvantage against a speedier opponent.
The second device is called: "The Fidgeting Ball That Penalizes Prolonged Deliberation."
This is contained inside the actual golf ball, and is activated only within the confines of the putting green surrounding each hole. Once the ball lands here, there is a set amount of time before radio signals switch on the fidgeting mechanism, causing the ball to begin twitching, making an accurate shot very difficult. Each time a ball is struck, a decreasing amount of time is automatically allocated and set before it starts twitching again.
With these two devices deployed, players will now rapidly tee off and positively race towards each hole, eager to swiftly take their putts in order to avoid the dreaded twitching ball.
(For When You Really, Really Wish You Hadn't Hit That Car)
The interesting thing about bad shots in any game (except perhaps skeet shooting and the like) is that time appears to slow down, allowing your stomach to take its sweet time in dropping to the level of your feet. Rather than spending this subjective eternity standing there feeling dumb, why not do something about it and play an active role in preventing a disaster?
The golf ball is filled with a very small quantity of impact-stable explosive, able to be triggered only by remote control and only when the ball detects that it is in flight. (This will hopefully safeguard against practical jokers blowing each others bollocks off by slipping one of these balls into another player's pocket, then detonating). Thus, a potentially dangerous wayward ball can be destroyed mid-flight, much like a cruise missile can be aborted before hitting its target.
As long as golfers' reflexes are fast enough, this device may save potentially embarrassing encounters between golf balls and, for example, the clubhouse windows, the boss's car, the boss's wife, a glass factory...(Golf Cup + Solenoid= No Bending)
Bending down to get your golf ball out of the cup sucks. So I will install solenoids into golf cups to eject the ball out straight up into the air (approx 4' high). Infrared (or maybe RFID) sensors in the cup and your shoe will detect when you wave your shoe over the cup. The solenoid will then activate, shooting the ball up into the air. You catch the ball and move on. Every player will receive a small sensor to attach to his shoe when he pays his green fees for the round.
(...or The Golf Green Berets)
(VROOM, VROOM...FORE!)
Now, part of the appeal of golf is the golf carts, right? And the really boring part is waiting. I have a cunning plan!
At the beginning of the hole, all the golfers in the party may begin taking their swing, or preparing to, at the signal. They hit the ball, then they go jump in their Golf Go-Kart and race down the golf track (not path, we need some room to maneuver) to their ball, jump out and go hit it again.
One might think this would result in a mad frenzy of racing about, hitting of balls (some games I've witnessed are like this anyway) and so on, and it does--but only the Blitz version, where your score is discounted and the only thing that matters is getting your ball in the hole first.
In the standard version, your score definitely matters. Granted, being first to put your ball in lowers your score (which is a good thing in golf, remember), but it might not be worth it.
On the next hole, start times for each player are staggered according to score (or place if you're playing Blitz), just like a car's place in a race is determined by its performance in previous races.
Putting procedure is the same. The truly zealous putter may substitute a miniature billiard ball for their golf ball and fight to be the first in the hole. In this "Billiards Blitz" variant, number of putts matters not, only who's in first. Then everybody races to the next green to putt again.
(Make Sure You Win Every Time)
Membership of my Evil Golf club is expensive, and only for those who believe that their financial muscle should offer them guaranteed victory over those who can't afford to join.
Although it looks like a normal course, the Evil Golf course is a mechanical wonderland, designed to bemuse your opponent, and give you the unfairest of advantages.
Powerful air jets will blow your guests ball from his/her tee just before they swing. Cacophonous birdsong will strike up whenever they're concentrating on a putt, but fall silent when you approach the green. The (evil) pigeons will be trained to push golf balls into rabbit holes (although your ball will be anti-pigeon scented, of course).
God forbid that your ball goes out of sight, as a gopher will immediately scurry into the rough replacing it with a metal-cored replica. From then, it's only a matter of time before the magnetic trees are switched on.
Having played golf with an experienced player recently, I can assure you that this idea is certainly in the spirit of the game.
X-Golf
(8 Men. 60 Minutes. 1 Goal. Kick Some Butt!)
1. It's hockey-style contact everywhere. 2. Once you are down, the only way up is by touching the Cabbie. 3. You can only change clubs on the fly. 4. There are two putters on the green. Only the first player on each team may enter the green. 5. There is no stoppage of time until the ball enters the hole. 6. One point per hole one. If time permits, you can play past the 18th hole. 7. If the referee catches a player breaking the rules, he gives him a card (red or yellow, just like soccer/European football). 8. The Cabbie can pick up one player at a time.
(The Foul Weather Golfer's Must Have Accessory)
A nasty hook displeases the Almighty, and a lightning bolt makes for your feverishly clutched three iron. Usually a fatal situation, but no longer! A small cart attached to your golf bag trails some 5 meters behind you as you walk the course. Attached to this is a 4 meter high copper stick. Bolt conducted safely to the ground, deity outraged, recovery shot from the rough very much on. Pack includes two spare rods in case of excessive melting mid-round.
(And You Though Scuds Were A Problem)
Tired of having rogue golf balls plow through the windshield of your brand-new Rolls Royce parked in the course lot? Of getting knocked unconscious by some arrogant golfer's long shot hole-in-one? Well, sir, fret no more. The new Patriot Anti-Golf Ball Laser (PAGBL) is here.
The PAGBL is easily capable of vaporizing an airborne target several thousand feet away. All golf balls used on a course outfitted with a PAGBL would contain tags that transmit faint radio signals. The fully automated targeting system would keep track of every tag on the given course. It would cross-reference this with the location of every person on the golf course (also done by radio tags). If it detects that a ball is on a dangerous trajectory, it automatically fires upon and destroys the ball, keeping the golfer safe from harm. Likewise, if a ball is on track to leave the course, it is destroyed, keeping people and objects from becoming victims its wrath.
(Golf Like A Video Game)
You start this golf game with only one club. It can be any one you choose.
But, every time you par or birdie on a hole, you get to add a new club to your arsenal.
And, you can also pick up special "powers" by hitting the ball into the special bonus bunkers that are located on each fairway. Each bonus bunker offers a different power. Some of the available power-ups are:
- Water hazard Immunity
- Best of Two (lets you take two shots and keep only the best one)
- Disintegrate (lets you replace opponent's golf ball with a plastic "practice" ball)
- Throw (lets you throw the ball on your shot, instead of having to hit it with a club)
- Darkness (makes your opponent hit his next shot with his eyes closed)
- Stomp (you get to hammer your opponent's ball into the ground with your driver)
- Force Field (before each putt, you can lay one club on the ground to help guide the ball into the hole)
- Gotcha (lets you sneak up behind opponent just just as he is about to swing, and shout "GOTCHA!!!" - can be used once per game)
- Poverty (your opponent must walk everywhere, but you get to ride in the cart)
Golf-Contact Sport
(Golf As A Contact Sport)
We had two groups of 4 and had to separate for time constraints.... Someone thought it would be smart to hit a ball backwards, luckily it missed us but hit my back pack which was open and spilled a beer, all over my paintball gun. Hmmm... so I snuck around in the golf cart about a hole up and waited for the tee-off of the group ahead of us.. right when the person that shot us had started his back swing, I nailed him square in the chest, they happened to have a gun also, so we started a scramble game, two players hunting and two golfing per team.
RULES: a.) No face shots... b.) must have club in hand to be hit. c.) any swings completed while being hit count, no mulligans. The start of something big?
(Play Golf Like They Did Centuries Ago)
(Tired of Mini Golf?)
Real Golf?
(Make Pros Play Real Golf)
The tournament would be played on the worst municipal course in the nation and the pros would be required to play without the services of a caddie or any rules officials. The purpose of the tournament would be to see how the pros deal with "real golf," that is, the kind of conditions under which most of us play.
The greens, by the way, should be only half-covered in grass and should have Stimp readings ranging from 2 to 14 depending on where your ball ends up. And the fairways should be composed of at least twenty different kinds of grass, all mowed at different levels with multitudinous tufts and divots. Lastly, the roots from the trees adjoining the fairways should extend well out into each fairway and should be intermingled with numerous gopher holes.
That's a tournament I'd never miss watching.
(Let’s Face It, The Present Game Is Far Too Dull)
One of the many downsides to playing golf is that, should you happen to go for a game on any half-decent day, you invariably spend most of it waiting for the group in front to finish the hole and move on.
So, the simple solution is to get everyone wanting a round to sign some sort of disclaimer and give licenses to people who want to tee-off while those in front are still on the green. All of a sudden what was a positively geriatric game becomes much more exciting.
All of a sudden golf allows you to release violent frustrations rather than causing them! Perhaps the greens are too easy for your liking? Well, they are much harder with a few knocked-cold golfers strewn around them, too slow to dodge!
Feel like making a dramatic criticism of some golfer's decision to wear a cyan Paisley tank top and lemon yellow plus fours? Before you could only quietly sneer from a distance, now you can make the fashion victim run! And imagine the combined pressure of having to hole the match-winning putt while being constantly aware of incoming projectiles! I can see many a young executive forgoing their day out paintballing to play golf instead.
Played on re-creations of army obstacle courses. Must haves: swamp pit, simulated air bombing raids, barbed wire, climbing walls, and drill sergeant caddies. And of course, the windmill.
(Fore! Aft! Starboard, Ye Landlubbers!)
Ah the game of golf, nothing could make it more interesting than, well, anything!
Sort of a cross between golf, billiards, and pirates, the aim of the game is to get the ball into the hole. The problem is, you are playing it on the tilting, rolling deck of a pirate ship.
Rules:
All players are playing at the same time. You want to be the first to get your ball into one of the holes. There are six, like a billiards table.
Contact between players is allowed. You are a group of pirates. That means that you will do anything and everything to win, which means that you are allowed to hit other players with your club. For this reason, you must wear pirate approved safety equipment. (Eye patch and bandana)
Contact with another players ball is also allowed. Beware, if you knock their ball clear off the ship or out of the playing deck (IE: over the safety net, see rule below), you are not allowed to do anything for 10 seconds while that other player gets a new ball.
To keep the balls from escaping, there is a net around the playing field, much like ones from a paintball field. If you manage to hit your ball over the net, you must get a new one and wait five seconds.
If you hit someone else's ball out, see the rule above. The five-second waiting penalty is not called if an opponent knocks your ball out.
What will be your strategy? Will you fence with your opponents and knock them down with your amazing skill? Will you leap headfirst into the brawl, relying of pure strength? Or will you sneak by, hoping to escape unnoticed?
Pirate costumes MANDATORY.
Ok, you get the idea...let's hear your version of pirate golf...send us an email with your half-baked alternative and we'll add it to the list!
Here's mine...how about demonstrating your combat skills with golf cart jousting...your club of choice becomes your spear-like weapon used to knock your opponent out of his cart. You may use your golf bag as armor and if you do knock your opponent out of the cart and onto the fairway, it is legal to run him over and spear him with your club.
